Self Reconciliation

Self Reconciliation

While on the road I got the opportunity to meet with a band ‘The Holland’s” and the beautiful singer Jana. On this trip, I have had the opportunity to talk to a diverse amount of  people, I felt compelled to keep this story about the Holland’s, till last because of the concept of reconciliation with self, each other and the world.

So what is reconciliation; what is the meaning behind it, what is the purpose for self.

Regarding someone you disagree with or it is  a situation from former disagreements or enemies; where reconciliation is agree to an amicable truce, a restoration of friendly relations. Finally you can make the action of making one view or belief compatible with another. All is about working together with others. Reconciliation is a term that brings two sides together as an equal understanding.

What if it means you bring one side of self to understand the other side of self?

Knowing the term, yet using it in your world is a great journey.

Jana shared her journey of reconciliation with me and found that the word means more than just coming together. Her story began with growing up in a home with strong religious beliefs, that built a foundation of source energy, god or as she calls it ABBA. She also became the victim of sexual abuse, a not so uncommon tail in today’s world with many women and men I come across. It impacted her to the point where it separated her into two people. She told a tale of making choices that were outside sourcing, building a story of shame and blame toward her. When she became pregnant with a child she had no idea of the father, she became very sick and had to return home, where she began to find a self within her that was hidden. She bought a guitar to put her pain into words and music, and found the hidden part of her soul that kept her moving toward the light, and her higher conscious, the ABBA. She states that “the reconciliation with ABBA and self was a feeling of complete trust and acceptance. She felt like the prison door was opened and could breathe for the first time.” The music was a great outlet and a new beginning.

We all have had those times of light and dark, and if not I ask you to look deeply at how your are living a truth for you. In these times we can be torn from our truest beliefs and plunged into darkness that does not agree with our soul. Becoming disconnected working on bringing those two pieces together can be arduous, because we have to face those things that become our shame.

Shame,  that place where life seems to envelope from our decisions. We either learn from it or stay there, and it becomes our story. I have been there so many times, and know the drama that unfolds in my head to keep me there. Does this become my complete truth?

For Jana, it was a destiny of becoming something she was not, struggling with split beliefs wanting nothing more to find that soul, the missing piece. If she had never been blessed with her beautiful daughter,  she may have continued down the self destructive road. Yet ABBA, the higher consciousness, played its card to deliver her a child to care for, so that she could learn to care for herself. Care and love,  became a place where she became reconciled with knowledge that she had the capacity to not only love someone, yet also love herself.

Learning that the game of shame was not the final note in which she would live her life.

This brought her to a place of focus on her, and her child, she began to delve back in to her faith, bonding with music her mother and child. For one full year she resigned herself to focus on healing those wounds and staying out of relationship for the sake of reconciliation. Ten months into the yearlong purposeful journey, she met her soon to be husband Craig. Who was working with a Celtic punk band and on his course to a new way of making music also. Coming together they became what is now ‘The Holland’s” Marymaking Nomads.  Through the building of their music relationship and marriage, they had began to raise Jana’s daughter Graciana and had a son together Banjo.

Reconciliation continued in the journey as became another part of the story, from the beginning they put out music from a mix of background, punk band for Craig and Jana’s song making from a child with her grandmother singing old hymns in nursing homes.  Melding the two forms was a process, sometimes it became a seprate task each working their own form of music. Working together takes a determination , It is also takes communication. Words not spoken or shared become a place of separation. When things became frustrating they became separated.  Jana began to take it personal that they were not connecting in the music as much as she thought was possible. Lack of communication can bring a rift between any two people, as the nonexistent words open up so many places in our head to go to, building stories.

Married in 2000 the music was separate in its form, as they continued down the road of trying to meld the two, they had strife; however in that strife, they had to learn more about the areas that had to grow between them. The ability to work on the pain, the hurt emotions took perseverance with dedication to each other.  This brought them to a place where the music started working together, reconciling with grace as they became more cohesive in love and music.

To reconcile anything it takes understanding from the perspective from others and self. As we build stories in our head that come from past events or past behaviors built within us. We also build stories from past experiences that create a blame and shame. The truest form of dedication is to look into those places, facing the darkness of past together. This is what these two people had to face, past behaviors, darkness, shame and blame. Coming together to make music that resonates reconciliation.

It has taken me two weeks to really get a focal on this exact story; actually it took more than that, as I had to unwind the stories that happened for me on this trip. I started out with the intention of finding people who were making a difference in the world, wondering how I personally could make a difference in this world. I cannot change anything, until I reconcile with myself. The road trip brought me to my parents who were worried and scared for me vs.  supporting me. I had to look close and understand that they come from a background of fear. With that I also had to see their shame and blame, as I reconciled with the idea that I grew up wearing a coat that did not fit me. The coat was their beliefs and I gave it back to them. I love them and have worked on reconciling that relationship since I left my home at 14. I now realize it’s theirs to do now. This allows me to grow into my own coat of belief and power to change.

On the road, I also ran into myself, face to face with all my fears, with all my shame and blame. Looking deeply at my torn soul, I am now only me to take responsibility for. This seems easy for some, yet I have spent most of my life living for others. It is now me and two companion dogs who have helped keep me grounded.

I look at Jana and her story as a great example of how the world becomes torn apart, to show me how I was separated. I personally have been torn from self, into many dark places, with shame and blame my favorite partners in crime. Now that I get to work on that new self, that reconciliation can bring me into a greater healing place. I am in great gratitude that I took a leap of faith and a road journey that brought me to Jana and her wonderful family.

I am thankful for Kat being at the end of the pool waiting to introduce us, at the hot springs in Bozeman. It allowed me to hear Jana’s words to look softly at my mother, seeing her in her full beauty. I am in honoring of those who are ready to stop the shame and blame of others and self, looking deeply at the roots of how they can heal.

I invite you to visit The Holland’s website, The Holland’s. Hear their music of Reconciliation, enjoy the sounds of real healing and intention.

I also invite you to the day I turn 50 where I am asking all to become reconciled with those who have crossed you, hurt you as they are your biggest teachers. It is time we look inward at how we keep ourselves from growing. On October 3rd I turn 50 and my birthday request is to find a place in your heart to let go of all past and move forward with a loving heart. Turning 50

I invite you to look deeply at how you can reconcile with you.

Thank you for joining me on this journey.


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