There are those times when forced growth is about facing your fears.
I have found my self through out my life facing my fears, its seems to be the one thing that is pretty constant.
As a child I was riddled with anxiety and fears over everything, from being around people, speaking to them, even looking at them. I was riddled with anxiety and fear in performing simple tasks, like learning to ride a bike, to talking in front of a group. I was shy and very afraid, of so much.
So what did I do, I faced it.
I learned to ride a bike, it took me years, to face people, yet I learned to teach exercise classes to 50 plus people. My lesson was to get out into the world, to find out how important and diverse we are.
I was afraid of going fast, so I joined in on fast paced sports, took the scariest amusements rides and drove cars into fast corners, road fast rivers and skied high mountain pitches, in deep powder.
Oh I was so riddled with tenacity.
My childhood was tumultuous to say the least.
I have recently faced my lifetime fear of not being wanted or enough. A dynamic set up through my parents, who were unknowing how to parent. I am also responsible, due to the choices I made, I did not realize it until I had unraveled many other stories from my life and healed each layer. This was a deep layer of belief, facing the unwanted. I learned to fear it from partners, family, and intimate relationship with the feeling. I put my self in life and death situations, just to challenge the universes need for me in this life, and the universe kept me around.
It became a game, with one of those wicked friends you have as child, you seem to like them for some reason, then they do something that kicks your heart and you wonder why your were friends in the first place. Yet you go play with them again just to make sure.
Old stories kept me entangled in a state of unwanted, it felt normal to me. In many ways I think I searched out the unwanted, thinking I could feel wanted.
I choose into relationships that would quickly abandon me. A repetition of people who could disappoint me, just so I could feel kindred to my favorite friend Unwanted.
My life’s has been an exploration of wills, pushing beyond what I believed I could do, all the time feeling unworthy and unwanted on this planet. I put myself in situations where I could get my heart broken, or my body beat up.
The final countdown of humility and clarity, or should I say the beginning of a revelation came with the writing of my last blog. A poem, I am here now.
The poem was stimulated by a series of choices and events.
At one point I had decided I loved someone so deeply that I was willing and accept that they would come in and whatever happened I was ready to face it. They did, I was elated, I immediately jumped in, and almost as quickly they jumped out.
Here I am again laying flat on my face going wtf!
I decided I was done with it, I was tired of being strong, I was tired of the heart ache. I cried days and nights, loudly! I embraced it with every deep tear I could cry, asking why is this story so continuous.
I stopped smiling, until I could feel happy again. Then I decided to go deeper, the poem I wrote, was intrinsic to the past story and future phase of what I was about to face.
In the past I have utilized plant medicines to really get to heart of problems, helping me peal away the layers of guilt, shame, unkind thoughts of self and others. . With the proper knowledge of the medicine and time, I was able to navigate deeper layers of myself to unravel these old stories. Setting intention in my approach when utilizing plant medicine, I knew that it is serious and I was going to be dealing with a very deep layer.
I wanted clarity on what keeps me in the cycle of unwanted.
I decided it was time to go into what I still call WTF!
Getting ready to participate with any plant medicine you have to know that it requires intention, energy and attention.
Allowing yourself to be open to the synchronicity, and emotions that come up, I call it the “March of Grandmother,” because Grandmothers have a way of being gentle, yet potent in their lessons.
Sitting with any plant medicine is not something you do to get high, or to use as an ego piece. thinking its cool to trip and telling everyone that you did it.
It’s about healing; healing trauma and the created drama, that sometimes the couch of therapist doesn’t delve into.
My intention was for clarity and after three night sit I became very clear of my roll in the constant story of unwanted.
The first night I screamed at the top of my lungs letting go of all anger and regret of past loves that left, my father, my mother, and myself.
The second night I cried and cried and cried some more, I saw how unwanted I felt, and how I set myself up, to not fit in. How I avoid community and love from community, because they failed me so much in the past.
I choose to take a back seat away from everyone, only to be needed and push them away. Something I knew so well. I was choosing to feel the victim of community and love. I elected this!
I had become my own worst enemy, creating relationships with unwanted, yet the emotions that followed it, were sheer terror of being in the same place again. Man I was that kid, to my self.
The third night I got to experience a new part of community , acceptance and felt love for myself deeper than ever before. I felt wanted.
I think the number one reason is because I was ready to quit forcing myself to feel it and just allow myself to be it. Be wanted in the world, show my talents, and my truths.
Strange concept, when you be it you open yourself up from within to accept it.
As I came out of this ceremony I knew that integration was important.
Integrating the messages is like getting a new field of play. It is like building new muscles you have to work them to become stronger at it.
I was altered emotionally, I felt ready to see what the universe was going to set up for me, and what kind of exercise I was going to do to work these muscles. I knew that I was tired and wanted to have fun, I knew it was time to enjoy life, I just didn’t know how it would show up.
Within a day of being home I met up with a new friend who offered to fill some items on my bucket list. Shocked and awed! Just out of ceremony; I had an offer to check off, three amazing items. I asked what was medicine doing?
I sat with it thinking asking wondering in the midst of having to move again and create from ground zero. I couldn’t see myself shoving off to take a vacation.
However the universe kept saying yes, in many ways. I had to push my move out, because my friends ,who could help me, were out of town. Again the synchronicity of hows, what’s, and why’s just fell into place.
The first opportunity on the bucket list, that I was going to explore, was surfing, I always wanted to surf, but was afraid.
I had visions of the surf board hitting me on the face, my mouth, nose and knocking my teeth out. It usually was the left side.
If you understand eastern or alternative practices, as a practitioner we look at the emotional and physical aspects of the body. The left side of the body is considered the feminine side. Softer, easier and creative. Something that I have been getting touch with in each healing of my life. In the past, I choose to live a masculine side of things, trying to meet the demands of a male paradigm. Competing, and staying strong, no crying or allowing myself to look week.
Well I did it again, stepped into the masculine, I am not week and I stared the fear straight in the face. I was ready to do it and muscle through it. I also had this feeling, that I would die or my life would be completely altered coming out of this trip and I was.
What was I asking of myself? What was the universe asking of me? I was in the moment of now, guided by faith and knowledge I am a survivor. . Being in this moment can be exhilarating of the unknown, sometimes you are on a wing and a prayer. Faith driven I became ready to face the challenge and the gift.
My friend had went down to Ventura the week before and was ready with equipment and to instruct. We went to a beautiful beach, where his instruction was easy to follow and I was soon swimming in the ocean. The waves were high yet the water was somewhat gentle. It was fun to swim out, and find my rhythm with waves, getting to know the feeling of the board under me. The exhilaration and joy of how fast you can ride on top of the waves was amazing! Then it was time to stand up, hoping up on the board at just the right time. I tried, at least twice, and learned the old rule you go where you look. I ended up in the water. So here I was facing my fear and smiling the whole time. No board to the face and such and enjoyable time shared with my friend.
After several hours I was beat but ready for next day’s waves, which was boating out to Santa Cruz island to camp, snorkel and surf.
Yes the universe is funny, really incredibly beautiful in its vastness, compared to my small 5’6” strong, yet small stature.
New Zealand decided to send some wind our way, we got a great swell from the southern hemisphere. boating out the windshield of the boat was swarmed with big waves crashing over, we were blinded by the water for what seemed like minutes, probably only 30 seconds.
There was a red flag warning for small craft, however as we arrived at our spot accordingly, the waves were big, but didn’t seem to bad and it was surf heaven.
I decided it was too much for me to surf, yet faced the waves by swimming, with a not very buoyant, yet warm wet-suit and boogie board. The waves didn’t look bad, to one side, so my friend and I headed toward the calm side of the beach where I could comb for treasure, while he surfed the big ones.
This is where the fun began and let’s just say I faced and learned that I could manifest my fear.
I started swimming, a little tired from packing up the boat, and as we got in closer and the waves started to come quick, then a large one swept me forward, I dove face down into the water, where I was tumbled like piece of kelp loosened from its anchor.
Medicine kicked in and I had to start facing the old stories of being wanted. I saw past incidences, and places that took me close to death and all the time feeling unwanted. The universe kept me here in those moments and I here I was again in that moment of how much am I wanted and much did I want to be here.
My face dove down and my feet got pulled over my head backwards, pushing my back beyond recent boundaries, ( I loved to do back bends when I was small, was an expert, until my body grew up.) My back cracked, and I thought, now you have done it. You have pushed yourself to this, and now you maybe really hurt. Then that thought went away, with my face( left side) being struck, lip, chin, and cheek! ) on the bottom of the ocean floor.
Surprise! Look at how powerful my thoughts and fears could take me.
I was struggling with letting go or living. I have spent my whole life. in struggle to be alive and happy, and always in place of sad, and battling worthiness. As an experienced lifeguard you learn what drowning looks like, and as a child I experienced what it felt like in recycle on a river. In this moment, being here now I had a choice. I could think that I was going to drown, or I could choose not to. I choose not to and had to find up. I pulled myself together and pointed my face upward, I surfaced, gulping air. I was fine but then I had to fight the current pulling me back, and climb a cobblestone hill with a pitch of 5%, and 10 feet, to a bluff for safety. The waves were pulling me backward into her grips. My legs were tired, my back hurt, I was exhausted, yet I climbed. One step two steps then three. My friend was there with a hand to pull me up, his eyes widened when he saw me. I sat down on the beach and he asked if I was okay.
Here is the important question, was I okay, had I come out of this with something or nothing.
My lips and chin were bleeding, my back was hurting and I was breathing deeply.
My lip was fine my teeth were there, I was bleeding but no gushers, my back hurt, yet I could get up and walk. Time was going to tell.
I had been asked by the waves if I wanted to be here, and I said yes. The task of being wanted, was no longer a question, I was taught that day that I wanted to be in the world. I have struggled all my life to want to be here, the stories of cruelty, that were embellished on me, had all unfolded into the waves. I let go and had to choose to be here, to step fully into life. I felt uplifted, and I wanted to be here now. This choosing into this life, has given me more direction, and strength to empower my feminine to work her magic now. If I could manifest my deepest fear and come out the other end, I could manifest anything, like kindness, compassion,and love, for self and others.
What is interesting about this whole story is how I had to get back, as the winds continued to shift and change and I was on a island with only one way off. This adventure is so much more powerful than I could ever expect. So I am reserving the rest for next week’s post, its another tail of how my friend and I had to figure out how to reconnect as we were, separated by the forces of nature.
Because I have had the opportunity to look at the deeper levels of myself, I am prepared to assist, and heal from all levels. I am wanted in this world be here for people, teaching about finding that place of joy and grace.
I invite you to look at your journeys, and look at where you show up in this world and how you challenge or find ways you depreciate yourself in this life.
I also invite you to ask questions, and converse with me on your experiences, as I share mine. This lesson is for anyone willing to explore the deeper meaning of what you are calling in.
What do you want to manifest?
I am here now