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Weathering the storms of life, post Covid

Weathering the storms of life, post Covid

It been a couple of weeks since I last wrote, and felt inspired then to continue to write, however it has been a bit bumpy still.

So many subjects I would like to write about.

So much to say, things are so shifty that it makes it hard to really focus.

Looking Inward

So for now I am working on my poetry, hoping to get some client work done, and maybe get outdoors today.

I wonder how everyone out there is handling the world, and how they feel about themselves, in all the chaos.

 I personally have had to tune out all this “horrifying of the masses,” slow down and go back to my heart and listen.

Every day I wake up to what seems like a hard world and listening to what is essential for me each day is all I got. now is not the time to push, tax your adrenals, instead  it is a time to relax, enjoy what you can.

The funny thing is that I have been hearing and feeling this pre pandemic, and then I just kept hearing “do what you feel that you can do, not anymore, and not any less.” I felt lazy, like I wasn’t accomplishing anything.

Then the universe decided to really be funny, in the last six months I have been challenged beyond my own belief.

My focal was keeping calm in the eye of the storm.

It  has been a practice.

I think the long lasting message of slow, down, do what you can, don’t tax your adrenals has been the key to not losing it completely.  

Patience, calming the waters within, and following my heart, it is now myself care guidelines.

Which requires practicing, self care first, which is a whole list of daily items;  juice, cacao, late breakfast, then out for a walk in the warmer times. I wash my face night and day. Eat right, not in abundance, and not too strict.

 Finally calling in what I would like to bring forth into my world

In the moments of pain and sickness, or sadness I always asked . “if my life is so blessed to breath air, why do I not feel joy”  I kept asking the universe, god, creator, gia ma, to please show me how to find the joy in this life.

I spent many of days yelling, “Why does this life have to be so hard!!!”

I had a Broken tail bone, then the isolation of Covid, to top it all off I got my heart torn from my chest.

Oh this was  practice in the depths of it all in finding the joy and keeping myself care top priority.

What could the universe do, to assist me in finding joy, but give me every situation  that scared the “Shit” right out of me, untill I started laughing?

 Laughing at the big jokester in the house.

Sitting with it all, I had to learn the lessons.

Lessons in taking care of my back and self, by finding the best avenue for healing my back.

Then I had the opportunity to ride the covid wave, quietly and compassionately.

My back was a wake up call to myself and who I could trust to assist me, and an awareness around those who could not handle my pain.

I will say getting covid the catalyst in the huge transition into joy…..

The time prior to my initiation with covid, I was depressed, felt pinned down, pre covid I would say I was getting suicidal.

Depression is a wild game; my dog and the thought that” I don’t want to do this life again,”  is what kept  me on this planet.

Pulling out of depression takes practice, and it also offers the most deepest times of  healing. 

The week prior to covid I was bouncing around in my thoughts about my worth in the world, why was I not out living it. Where was my purpose, this went on all during covid. I also experience out of body things that is for another story time. However; after covid I felt for the first time that I wanted to live.

Go out and do things I loved again. Like smell food, taste it and the ability to paddleboard, camp, hike, run a little and also be in the joy  of the little things. This was my covid lesson and push into the next journey.

The next 6 months post covid, I felt like hell struck, navigating a chaos shit storm of heart break, moving 5 times, and landing in the greatest of places.

 All of it had its purpose, to shake me out of my old skin. A shedding of all things that did not serve me, ending the relationship with myself and another, readying my soft underbelly for the next landing.

So for today I am going to keep listening to my heart and do what inspires me.

Today my inspiration is poem about the healing house that I have found a clam peace.

It is a great reflection of how we just need to come home to heart to find healing.

Nala In the Mother Ship

The Healing House

Where the people come to live, seek out the path of hope and healing.

For the healing house does not offer a medicine you cannot handle and your greeted with compassion at the front door.

They occupants are forever the ones who seek out truth and light even through all the grief and worldly troubles.

Those who choose to walk through the doors find hope and laughter, a part of the chores.

They Dance and sing, the songs of old and new.

The mother is tender and a most wonderful soul, who holds a caresses your heart,in the most gentle of ways.

Pops is holder of safety making sure you feel welcome and secure.

The midwife is there to allow you to give birth, to all you are.

There is also an Auntie, a sister a healer of all sorts, she is a master of truth, the quickness of a cat, the mystery of fun, with a fantastical view.

The brothers stop in to help you unload, and there is a place for them to behold.

The medicine they serve has a sweat quality of taste, no bitterness allowed, in this solid place.

This healing house is not just a place, but a residence within your heart.

The beating and pulsing of something new, this house is the place where wellness has a whole new view.

Become the whole of whole you already are, and hold your head up high, you are supported each day, with the healing house is inside of you.

JuliaRae

I look forward to your input.

You can find me @ Sanotude on Facebook

Or leave a comment below

Waking up

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Ah its been a while since I have written, and it has been a journey. As with all my journey’s  they are fun, magical, full of learning and usually a cast of characters that sometimes I couldn’t even imagine up.

The last three-four years has been a ride, not just for me but for everyone. While going through this ride we call life,  I personally have experienced it all and I bet so have you.

No one is sure of anything these days, and it is important to know you are not the only one. Its good to connect with people and its is also good to go inward.

Inward, the ability to be able to look deeply inside yourself, allowing time to sit with your thoughts, and the ability to sit with your body.

Well between, a tail bone breaking, to covid all I can say is healing is essential.

I say this for many reasons, for myself it was the on set of slipping on a piece of metal on some stairs, to watching the world shut down freak out and begin the funny game of projection.

I started with having no one, just me by myself to take care of me, as I couldn’t move, other than sit (which hurt) or to lay down. Standing was easy, walking was a new art form, and god forbid you drop something. Sleep was disruptive and comfort was essential.

After about 3 months of self care, slow movements, I started to be able to walk. I think I could have gotten better a little sooner, however I was finding this need to show how tough I was. I sacrificed my self just to be apart of someones world.

Lesson 1 in Co Dependence, when you allow people to disrupt your health, your probably co dependent.

Once the art of mastering( I say that lightly)taking time, being careful with my body, the season soon turned into the mass hysteria of a pandemic…….So things shut down, and became comfortable being less stressed, less pressured to get out and do anything. Also at the same time great changes were abound.

I will be talking about these changes with a new dedication, to focusing on my writing.

While many things have come from the changes, in the world, most of them came from with in.

What have you been doing during this time, how has it effected you?

Feel free to look for my facebook pg Sanotude for updates and responses to this blog.

https://www.facebook.com/Sanotude
Dear Brothers. Fathers, Lovers and Sons

Dear Brothers. Fathers, Lovers and Sons

 

Dear brothers, fathers lovers and sons, you are transforming,

you are becoming something you have been told not to do.

To show your truest colors and vibration, which does not align with social realms, where ego masculine tendencies is only accepted. The feminine spirit calls you to see the world you want to see, to create beauty and grace from within.

My dear brothers, fathers, lovers and sons you are important and essential, it is time to heal and find ourselves aligning with the highest possible good for all. I see you struggle, I hear your tears, I feel your pain, yet I am only the goddess that can hold space. For you must find that feminine strength of will and power to become a whole. Stepping away from the domination of past beliefs, stepping up to protect as your masculine cries’ out to connect to the feminine spirit. We are at war, and whole new war, one that has never been fought before at this level.  The war of Love and compassion, the war that will and can create change and peace within, it has the power to transform.

It is a silent war, but not like the silent war you are waging on yourself.  It is silent messages of looking at your ego, your life bound thoughts of what no longer serves you. For this war of good and bad is not working for the whole any more. No more shaming and blaming for what went wrong.  This silent war of listening to the messages that resonate, that does not cause you pain or perpetrate unto others.  This silent compassionate war is powerful.  Become silent in your reaction, silencing the demonizing thoughts, and allow the universe to speak its truth with you, for you, so the joy can be lifted up in you.

Oh brothers, fathers, lovers and sons, you are pure love, you came from the womb, where a spark of synchronicity brought you into this world, into this realm to find out who you are already.  While our lives up to this point have had many obstacles and perpetrators, and it is time to stop the old stories from reinventing themselves, it’s time to find balance within.  You are a co-creator of this world and this is the time to come back together, work and aligns with each other. It is time to find compassion, for I am your mirror and you are mine.

Dear Brother, fathers, lovers and  sons, you are humanity now, not broken, yet laden with the thoughts and pressures of being enough, just as I am.  Let us come together, in the now to see that we are a part of the whole, the yin, the yang, the masculine, the feminine, the spirit within.  As the goddess I am here now ready to stand up to the domination, stepping away from fear, allowing for blame to take a back seat, and compassion and love to be the only weapon we hold.  I start with myself and see where I have damaged your soul and stand proud that I could get to this place to forgive, the me and the you.

All we have done is asked each other to be seen in the dark.  I now rise up to the light and ask that you see that this war of love and compassion is what we can do to heal, taking the power out of hate and destruction. Reconstruction the dimension of life here on earth,  connecting with bricks that build a solid family foundation, a solid connection to source and a solid foundation to the earth mother. I ask pachamama to assist us in co creating a new existence that will lift all the creatures of the planet to a new place of harmony.

Dear brothers, fathers, lovers and sons, I see you, I honor you and I find us all wanting, to be in joy and harmony. It is now that you have the power as I do, to dream into possibility.  It is now we can come together and be all we can be as one.

Julia Rae

The Snake Grass Grows

The Snake Grass Grows

Sitting by the river where the snake grass grows,

I ponder what does mans religion really know.

Does it know that trouble is never around the corner, just, a bend in the river, a confluence of water.

Life is about growth and change, each challenge a stepping stone toward the grain.

The obstacle a possible dream, a segue of consciousness moving through the stream.

The presents of this moment, becomes the flow, and allows for the dream of scaling images to bend us beyond our control.

Looking deep within the blessed earth, a little light of hope nestled in a seed. The sudden spark of awareness its existence a great mystery.

The seed takes its flight, knowledge that the earth shall provide. A spark of intuition, to strive, and live in the stream, the seed sees only the existing dream. Tuning into its soul, as it only takes what it needs to grow.

Shouldering the changes of weather and rain, seed knows the heart will mend and gain.

The moon, the water, the sun, the seed, the plant, the snake grass, all magic set of synchronicities. They all have a roll, all play a part, working together in flow.

The rivers and streams that cut through all earths mass, bringing nourishment and hydration to all her contrasts. With the heavenly bodies from above, allows for the creatures, to connect to the stars a matter of love.

The seed stretches and reaches its wings for the sun, growing, its life has begun.

Grounding its self down, roots holding strong to the earth, spreading wide, making room for its birth.

The rising sun, waxing moon, it is all a part of a great plan of harmony, working interconnectedly.

The sun glows, the seed knows the moons rhythms are all about the ebb and the flow.

The evolution of life is a grand design, a natural bend on a botanical ride.

We are all here now; grown from the core, a spark of life, a conscious play of storms.

Life is now, it is time to free ourselves from within, let us clear all the told stories, and break the shell that is so thin.

Snapping the archetypal cords of attachment that we get to play, that keeps our souls time bound to surviving each day.

If only to be in the now, reaching for what we hold dear, honoring a great plan, walking away from fear.
The planted seed, intuitively knows that we are a part of a grand destiny to behold.

So the snake grass grows, thriving, and flourishing along the bank of the cool river that flows.

For in fall of the summer the harvest will come in, it will settle under the cold winters dim.

The snake grass beds under the snow, shelter and warmth for next year’s seedlings to grow.

The faith in that moment, knowing each season has change, the waiting and knowing it is all a part of the game.

Under winters frozen blanket, life is an alter, time and patience is all that she can offer.

A promise, there will be waiting streams, springs magic, and what it brings.

For in the here now we can see the beauty and grace, in all things, we become the maker of dreams.

The seeds we can sow, in connection to the earth, the sun and moons endless ebb and flow. The universe promises that they will be there for us to grow.

If we can all work cohesively, learning from the snake grass, to be here now in synchronicity.

Free ourselves from forcing a change, faith is what we need it’s all been arranged.

Connected to the seed, commit to the desire to be, fulfilling a grand destiny, trusting that all the mystic pieces will fall cohesively.

Know that you are an essential piece of this planetary ride, a plan of great action, there is something about our pride.

To be here in the now is a jump in to all possibilities, having faith that we can see.

So as the snake grass grows, along the river that flows; all for the expansive destiny.

Julia Rae

 

 

 

Facing WTF

Facing WTF

There are those times when forced growth is about facing your fears.

I have found my self through out my life facing my fears, its seems to be the one thing that is pretty constant.

As a child I was riddled with anxiety and fears over everything, from being around people, speaking to them, even looking at them. I was riddled with anxiety and fear in  performing simple tasks, like learning to ride a bike, to talking in front of a group. I was shy and very afraid, of so much.

So what did I do, I faced it.

I learned to ride a bike, it took me years, to face people, yet I learned to teach exercise classes to 50 plus people. My lesson was to get out into the world, to find out how important and diverse we are.

I was afraid of going fast, so I joined in on fast paced sports, took the scariest amusements rides and drove cars into fast corners, road fast rivers and skied high mountain pitches, in deep powder.

Oh I was so riddled with tenacity.

My childhood was tumultuous to say the least.

I have recently faced my lifetime fear of not being wanted or enough. A dynamic set up through my parents, who were unknowing how to parent. I am also responsible, due to the choices I made,  I did not realize it until I had unraveled many other stories from my life and healed each layer. This was a deep layer of belief, facing the unwanted. I learned to fear it from partners, family, and intimate relationship with the feeling. I put my self in life and death situations, just to challenge the universes need for me in this life, and the universe kept me around.

It became a game, with one of those wicked friends you have as child, you seem to like them for some reason, then they do something that kicks your heart and you wonder why your were friends in the first place. Yet you go play with them again just to make sure.

Old stories kept me entangled in a state of unwanted, it felt normal to me. In many ways I think I searched out the unwanted, thinking I could feel wanted.

I choose into relationships that would quickly abandon me. A repetition of people who could disappoint me, just so I could feel kindred to my favorite friend Unwanted.

My life’s has been an exploration of wills, pushing beyond what I believed I could do, all the time feeling unworthy and unwanted on this planet. I put myself in situations where I could get my heart broken, or my body beat up.

The final countdown of humility and clarity, or should I say the beginning of a revelation came with the writing of my last blog. A poem, I am here now.

The poem was stimulated by a series of choices and events.

At one point I had decided I loved someone so deeply that I was willing and accept  that they would come in and whatever happened I was ready to face it.  They did, I was elated, I immediately jumped in, and almost as quickly they jumped out.

Here I am again laying flat on my face going wtf!

I decided I was done with it, I was tired of being strong, I was tired of the heart ache. I cried days and nights, loudly! I embraced it with every deep tear I could cry, asking why is this story so continuous.

I stopped smiling,  until I could feel happy again. Then I decided to go deeper,  the poem I wrote, was intrinsic to the past story and future phase of what I was about to face.

In the past I have utilized plant medicines to really get to heart of problems, helping me peal away the layers of guilt, shame, unkind thoughts of self and others. . With  the proper knowledge of the medicine and time, I was able to navigate deeper layers of myself to unravel these old stories. Setting intention in my approach when utilizing plant medicine, I knew that it is serious and I was going to be dealing with a very deep layer.

I wanted clarity on what keeps me in the cycle of unwanted.

I decided it was time to go into what I still call WTF!

Getting ready to participate with any plant medicine you have to know that it requires intention, energy and attention.

Allowing yourself to be open to the synchronicity, and emotions that come up, I call it the “March of Grandmother,” because Grandmothers have a way of being gentle, yet potent in their lessons.

Sitting with any plant medicine is not something you do to get high, or to use as an ego piece. thinking its cool to trip and telling everyone that you did it.

It’s about healing; healing trauma and the created drama, that sometimes the couch of therapist doesn’t delve into.

My intention was for clarity and after three night sit I became very clear of my roll in the constant story of unwanted.

The first night I screamed at the top of my lungs letting go of all anger and regret of past loves that left, my father, my mother, and myself.

The second night I cried and cried and cried some more, I saw how unwanted I felt, and how I set myself up,  to not fit in. How I avoid community and love from community, because they failed me so much in the past.

I choose to take a back seat away from everyone, only to be needed and push them away. Something I knew so well. I was choosing to feel the victim of community and love.  I elected this!

I had become my own worst enemy, creating relationships with unwanted, yet the emotions that followed it, were sheer terror of being in the same place again. Man I was that kid, to my self.

The third night I got to experience a new part of community , acceptance and felt love for myself deeper than ever before. I felt wanted.

I think the number one reason is because I was ready to quit forcing myself to feel it and just allow myself to be it. Be wanted in the world, show my talents, and my truths.

Strange concept, when you be it you open yourself up from within to accept it.

As I came out of this ceremony I knew that integration was important.

Integrating the messages is like getting a new field of play. It is  like building new muscles you have to work them to become stronger at it.

I was altered emotionally, I felt ready to see what the universe was going to set up for me, and what kind of exercise I was going to do to work these muscles. I knew that I was tired and wanted to have fun, I knew it was time to enjoy life, I just didn’t know how it would show up.

Within a day of being home I met up with a new friend who offered to fill some items on my bucket list. Shocked and awed! Just out of ceremony; I had an offer to check off, three amazing items.  I asked what was medicine doing?

I sat with it thinking asking wondering in the midst of having to move again and create from ground zero.  I couldn’t see myself shoving off to take a vacation.

However the universe kept saying yes, in many ways. I had to push my move out, because my friends ,who could help me, were out of town. Again the synchronicity of hows, what’s, and why’s just fell into place.

The next thing I know, I was on a plane to Ventura, California to surf, sail and spear a fish. I love this bucket list thing.

The first opportunity on the bucket list, that I was going to explore, was surfing, I always wanted to surf, but was afraid.

I had visions of the surf board hitting me on the face, my mouth, nose and knocking my teeth out. It usually was the left side.

If you understand eastern or alternative practices, as a practitioner we look at the emotional and physical aspects of the body. The left side of the body is considered the feminine side. Softer, easier and creative.  Something that I have been getting touch with in each healing of my life. In the past, I choose to live a masculine side of things, trying to meet the demands of a male paradigm. Competing, and staying strong, no crying or allowing myself to look week.

Well I did it again, stepped into the masculine, I am not week and I stared the fear straight in the face. I was ready to do it and muscle through it. I also had this feeling, that I would die or my life would be completely altered coming out of this trip and I was.

What was I asking of myself? What was the universe asking of me?  I was in the moment of now, guided by faith and knowledge I am a survivor. .  Being in this moment can be exhilarating of the unknown, sometimes you are on a wing and a prayer.  Faith driven I became ready to face the challenge and the gift.

My friend had went down to Ventura the week before  and was ready with equipment and to instruct.  We went to a beautiful beach, where his instruction was easy to follow and I was soon swimming in the ocean.  The waves were high yet the water was somewhat gentle. It was fun to swim out, and find my rhythm with waves, getting to know the feeling of the board under me. The exhilaration and joy of how fast you can ride on top of the waves was amazing! Then it was time to stand up, hoping up on the board at just the right time. I tried, at least twice, and learned the old rule you go where you look. I ended up in the water. So here I was facing my fear and smiling the whole time. No board to the face and such and enjoyable time shared with my friend.

After several hours I was beat but ready for next day’s waves, which was boating out to Santa Cruz island to camp, snorkel and surf.

Yes the universe is funny, really incredibly beautiful in its vastness, compared to my small 5’6” strong, yet small stature.

New Zealand decided to send some wind our way, we got a great swell from the southern hemisphere. boating out the windshield of the boat was swarmed with big waves crashing over, we were blinded by the water for what seemed like minutes, probably only 30 seconds.

There was a red flag warning for small craft, however as we arrived at our spot accordingly, the waves were big, but didn’t seem to bad and it was surf heaven.

I decided it was too much for me to surf, yet faced the waves by swimming, with a not very buoyant, yet warm wet-suit and boogie board. The waves didn’t look bad, to one side,  so my friend and I headed toward the calm side of the beach where I could comb for treasure, while he surfed the big ones.

This is where the fun began and let’s just say I faced and learned that I could manifest my fear.

I started swimming, a little tired from packing up the boat, and as we got in closer and the waves started to come quick, then a large one swept me forward, I dove face down into the water,  where I was tumbled like  piece of kelp loosened from its anchor.

Medicine kicked in and I had to start facing the old stories of being wanted. I saw past incidences, and places that took me close to death and all the time feeling unwanted. The universe kept me here in those moments and I here I was again in that moment of how much am I wanted and much did I want to be here.

My face dove down and my feet got pulled over my head  backwards, pushing my back beyond recent boundaries, ( I loved to do back bends when I was small, was an expert, until my body grew up.)  My back cracked, and I thought, now you have done it. You have pushed yourself to this, and now you maybe really hurt. Then that thought went away, with my face( left side) being struck, lip, chin, and cheek! ) on the bottom of the ocean floor.

Surprise!  Look at how powerful my thoughts and fears could take me.

I was struggling with letting go or living. I have spent my whole life. in struggle to be alive and happy, and always in place of sad, and battling worthiness.  As an experienced lifeguard you learn what drowning looks like, and as a child I  experienced what it felt like in recycle on a river. In this moment, being here now I  had a choice. I could think that  I was going to drown,  or I could choose not to. I  choose not to and had to find up. I pulled myself together and pointed my face upward, I  surfaced, gulping air. I was fine but then I had to fight the current pulling me back,  and climb a cobblestone hill with a pitch of 5%, and 10 feet, to a bluff for safety. The waves were pulling me backward into her grips.  My legs were tired, my back hurt, I was exhausted, yet I climbed. One step two steps then three. My friend was there with a hand to pull me up, his eyes widened when he saw me. I sat down on the beach and he asked if I was okay.

Here is the important question, was I okay, had I come out of this with something or nothing.

My lips and chin were bleeding, my back was hurting and I was breathing deeply.

Inventory time!

My lip was fine my teeth were there, I was bleeding but no gushers, my back hurt, yet I could get up and walk. Time was going to tell.

I had been asked by the waves if I wanted to be here, and I said yes. The task of being wanted, was no longer a question, I was taught that day that I wanted to be in the world. I have struggled all my life to want to be here, the stories of cruelty, that were embellished on me, had all unfolded into the waves. I let go and had  to choose to be here, to step fully into life. I felt uplifted, and  I wanted to be here now. This choosing into this life,  has given me more direction, and strength to empower my feminine to work her magic now. If I could manifest my deepest fear and come out the other end,  I could manifest anything, like kindness, compassion,and love, for self and others.

What is interesting about this whole story is how I had to get back, as the winds continued to shift and change and I was on a  island with only one way off.  This adventure is so much more powerful than I could ever expect. So I am reserving the rest for next week’s post, its another tail of how my friend and I had to figure out how to reconnect as we were, separated by the forces of nature.

Because I have had the opportunity to look at the deeper levels of myself, I am prepared to assist, and heal from all levels. I am wanted in this world be here for people, teaching about finding that place of joy and grace.

I invite you to look at your journeys, and look at where you show up in this world and how you challenge or find ways you depreciate yourself in this life.

I also invite you to ask questions, and converse with me on your experiences, as I share mine. This lesson is for anyone willing to explore the deeper meaning of what you are calling in.

What do you want to manifest?

I am here now

Julia Rae

I am here now

I am here now

I do not fear the world anymore,

nor do I wish it to fear me,

for I live my life with each step in integrity.

One foot forward into intention, two steps then three.

For I am here now and here I will be.

I start with each moment, knowing I am in the momentum of the divine unity.

The confluence of the masculine as it devotes the time and space to the femininity.

I elevate my soul, like a rising phoenix out of the debris, burning the past of future story, embedded in me.

I am here now, seeing beyond the crux.

It is here now I work in love,

I am the divine master of my destiny.

I choose to be here now, out of fear and anxiety;

I see my power, as it rises from the flames into world of immense opportunity.

For I am with purpose, with veracity,  as I fly along with the winds  of the sky ,

flowing  with the  winding  rivers, I have faith in the roads that are in front of me,

Calling in  healing interactions,  connecting to the higher purpose of many souls.

For here now is where I can be,

flying high above the ashes of lesser than me.

I fear not what the world sees, and I ask that is does not fear me.

For I am powerful beyond my dreams, allowing the universe to work its magic through the thin veil of what can be.

And so it is!

JuliaRae

Love the Beauty within

Love the Beauty within

I am in the knowingness of my imperfections, I am in the knowingness of my fallibility.

This is the alter of an idiom of ideology.

For you stated you would not have a child with me, yet are drawn to connect yourself with me.

Because I am the temptress that you seek.

I live in this skin you see, it is ageing and I continue to wear it with all my beauty.

My soul knows the beauty is with-in

My heart hurts because its not seem by them.

I walk now in this beauty light, knowing I can hold my heart high.

Knowing that you did not impact me, when you took flight.

For I am profoundly dynamic and free from your unconscious courtesy.

Unchained from that beauty casualty of not enough light to hold you here.

I am enough for me, the love I seek is in me, the beauty within shines brightly and free.

Because I know the beauty within, is all what I am called to be.

JuliaRae

 

Loving on the Spectrum

Loving on the Spectrum

Wow what a year, and a life of transformation!

This last year was filled with exploration of the old, of travel and self discovery, from so many levels.

Family, friends, tribe, love and self, I have seen a change from the inside, growing from one belief or perception to another. Integrating my past in what its meaning is for now and the future.

Through out my life I have bouncing back and forth into and out of certain realities, all while the universe continued to support me, even in my darkest hours, and I am glad I can say I am still here, healing.

Each day I wonder how, what and where is it going to go, what is going to come up, who is going to show up and even how am I going to feel. I found a new description for my emotions, it’s called being on the spectrum. Like many people we seem to not fit in, our world is difficult to navigate and yet somehow we do. We become entrapped in ideals from our past, present  patterns and future outlook. Many of the people I know feel separated, living confused and on the spectrum of abby normal.  They are feeling lost in how to heal the past, staying focused on the present, and want to have hope for the future. They consistently are living a pattern of unhealthy thoughts, triggers and disappointment, they spiral like I did, lost and confused on what to do.  Does any of this resonate?

My story rolls so closely along with so many people I see in a day, that my thoughts wonder how we can shift so that these amazing people can participate and illicit change. I wonder how we can  fit into this crazy messed up world with so many people separated by judgment, and a preformed thought on what is right and wrong.

I my self have been judged, spending many years asking to see love, to see people love each other; I wanted to change the world.

As a young girl, my mother used to tell me the “The world is going to break me, because I was too positive.” Yet  I was persistent and believed that I could change the world as a little girl, just by sending love out.

In the past year I have looked at how the world did break me, the people who showed up in my life, found ways to target my weaknesses. They found ways that made me find my limits in self , the universe kept at it until, I said enough and changed.

Yes the people in my world broke me, broke me of self judgment, by allowing me to see my darkest hours, allow me to break the boundaries of one level of self depreciation, just so I could find the deeper layer. I cleaned corners of my subconscious, as I kept seeing that the darkest layers were the hardest, and I get to say” I am still here!”

Every day for the past year I have been able to reflect on those moments.

Fourteen years old, having been raped and in foster care, people showed up to bring me up and just so I could survive the next story.
Twenty year old mother of three, and people continued to show up, just to support me as I was basically a single mother.  Years later as my children needed me less, I began to blooming, my focus was just trying to support and take care of family, with no identity and no self esteem.  When I was ready,  people again showed up, they were amazing helping hands great gifts, and I accepted them, and took another step up. Raising my vibration in self thought, and growing my heart about love.

So here I am now, looking at all the growth, and where my love for self and reflection on where I want to be is at. Guess what?  Those people have shown up again, to show me how deeply I can choose to love myself. I am cutting cords to old patterns of love and feeling less lonely. They show up in many ways, some in all their dark mean glory, some just don’t know what they are doing.  It is perfect and what life is trying to teach me, a reflection of my own healing. With that, I am able to rise above the drama of it and look at where and what is mine and where I need to let go of it.

And ask “Why do I need to ride this ride, and how many times do I want to ride it.”

I recently participated in a wonderful breath work, that brought up the first memory of when I shut down love for myself, it triggered a memories of an incident of a low vibration reflex from my Step father.  From that point I shut myself down, I wanted love, for the world yet I did not look for love and respect for myself. I now see that my heart can open up because of the lesson, seeing the act as perfect, that nothing can be done now, staying out of blame and shame, I am now able to heal.

How does that look, first I utilized an alternative healing method; and there are many; to find the trigger, see the pattern of behavior, and then look at all the ways to heal it.

I have spent years working to find higher ground, first I had to see it and then I had to reach for it, now I am reaching for the sky. What I am on right now is the fast paced learning curve, where I have learned that Love also has to be from within to give it.

Today I dove in, I jumped from the highest platform of healing that I could find. I know that life has asked me to jump, take another leap of faith in self. I am asking from myself, to have patients and gentleness that extent to so many, now it is time for me. I am now finding ways to manage my heart from the inside, and feel a great opportunity to share with others.

I live pretty magically, I get to work with many people in healing their darkness, and in return I show up for them. They are lifted because I assist them with the dark areas, which they fear to look at. It is an amazing journey and opportunity so that they can heal old wounds and patterns. As they find that the process is very intentional, it is also brings light and self understanding from a higher place. Some of my clients face physical obstacles, and pains that need many approaches.  This is where alternative healing and resources for a healthy happier lifestyle can bring their vibration up.

It has been my calling in life. What I can offer to people, assist bringing light into their world, is my ultimate dream that we can all love ourselves.

I am here to change a paradigm, to shift a consciousness and raising the vibration of the planet, believing the world can be better place to live in and love in.

Take a chance on a story that is rocking your world,  see how it can shift, try a session for free.

I am emphatic, intuitive and understand the human condition; the first session is a gift so that you can experience what it is to change your perception and better your life.

Contact me and see how your life can shift.

I also offer a space that you can spend time breaking down the old beliefs and I share this space with alternative healing practitioners who also are ready and able to work with you.

 

Much love and gratitude for being on the spectrum with me.

Julia Rae

 

I Witnessed You

I Witnessed You

How does it feel to know you are being watched?

As most people; I want to be seen for who I am and what I am valued for. We intensify these feelings through our interactions, how we engage in conversations, posting on Facebook to create a conversation around what we are doing and adding to the world. This knowing of how we add value in the conversation, is how we begin to view ourselves, and we see others on where they are in the world we create.

Wanting our voice to be heard and the opinions we express, is how we identify in life, and with life.

Over that last couple of months, I have taken a break from blogging, for several reasons. The biggest reason was that I was diving deep inward.   I have struggled with love in so many ways, most of all for self.  The program guide I was given, had me on a journey that I was so lost in negative misguided feelings about what love really is. I began to put up boundaries, and saw where I had huge walls. I had to get down on the ground to find my place in this world, the place in my head and most of all my heart.  I began to put boundaries around my vulnerabilities, I also had to become vulnerable. Conflicting statement, I know. There were places that I played the fool about love, and other places that I had walls up so high around it that it was impossible to get over, most of all for myself.

People were triggered by this, and tried to find ways to get around my fences, and didn’t understand that I was breaking down my walls, and keeping clear boundaries. It was conflicting and freeing, all at the same time I became aware of so many things about self, I also began to see the people around me.

I realized I was watching something amazing unfold.

I began witnessing people and where they were at, exploring what it looked like, and how they interpreted my actions. Thus I was being witnessed.

I watched as people interacted with me, I seen their expressions the common statements made and the overall feeling. There were some aggressive behaviors and overall complete shut off to any connection. This confused me; I just sat back with no reaction, just my mental note pad, taking in all the feelings, and visceral reactions.  If it felt easy or awkward, I just sent love to it, knowing there was important information, for all involved.

I had to stay out of judgment and shame, because then my ego would be the witness and it was convoluted with self beliefs already. This is where I was able to see that I was not only being witnessed, I was witnessing myself.

The more I stood as witness, the more I was able to see where people were really at in their own journey. I began to understand that we all have those places that elicit areas where we really want to be seen.

OH it just got better and better from there. I dove in deep to the meaning of past relationships, how I was affected by them and how I witnessed them. I looked at the judgments, the overall comparisons, and where I stepped into ego.

That became a really fun ride for a bit, the Ego, it wants to be witnessed.  Ego has this big ole sign on its chest that says “SEE ME!”

I  saw where I wanted to be seen, where I needed to be authenticated by others. That ride kept breaking down, it did its best to keep me lifted, yet the crash eminent, and humility crept in.

I pulled myself up off the ground many times, dusted off and kept on going. All this became a great work of learning about my boundaries and walls, where I get to build proper boundaries, and take down those dratted walls.

I became a witness of compassion, for others and myself.

I am now learning from a whole new perspective about who I can be, where I love myself and what it does for my ego.

According to Carl Jung, the ego represents the conscious mind as it comprises the thoughts, memories, and emotions a person is aware of. The ego is largely responsible for feelings of identity and continuity.

I believe that the identity becomes obsessed with the need to be seen. We use social media to enhance our ability to be seen. We look for authentification, as fuel for expanding the ego. It is like a simple sugar in the body system, its quick fuel, but burns out quickly, so we are always trying to recharge with more identity sugar.

When we are witnessed by others; it is food for the identity, we become elevated via anger or feelings of joy, yet it never seems to be ENOUGH.

When we become witnesses we get to see life from perspective of compassion. Allowing others to be seen is an empathetic way of looking at someone deeply setting up them to be free.  No judgment, or shame.

When you learn to look at how you witness others, your ego gets to take a back seat for a minute. It does not get to react, it does not get to interject, it just gets to sit and watch. Kind of like a movie, as the people who are in your life get to be fully who they are without having interjections, you are watching them for where they are.

You get to witness you, empathetically, seeing what interpretations you take away, was there judgments or shame?  Learning about where you do this in your own world of self, becomes a tool to learn from.

I am now learning about healthy boundaries and taking down my walls; being vulnerable with out the fool. It’s a work in progress, yet it’s all a great dance, in the mystery in our heads.

I will end this with a great story in witnessing, and being witnessed.

I had been participating and witnessing music from all angles, like echoes off of walls, to drum circles or the way people were deep into the sounds they were making.

One really fun and intense night of witnessing, I got to see where a version of me became aware fully of self.  I watched others form characters, in a musical that I got to participate as a character in my own designed; this creation transformed a belief inside.

The intense night started at a didgeridoo introduction, and was invited to an after party at a small trailer. I walked into a vortex of fun musical whimsy, where the wine was the only thing close to mind altering, but I went through the looking glass with Alice. The most amazing characters showed up, with musical talents beyond my dreams. With those talents were as many instruments all ready and called to be played. The group settled in and began to pick up them up, thus began the magical sounds reverberating off the small trailers walls.

I did my best to keep up, moved to try and make music; I felt that I could not match the musical abilities of everyone in the room. So I just stopped, all I could hear was them and put down my instrument.  I picked up a drum,  here and there, I had some insecurity, and felt compelled instead, to just sit back and watch.

Each person became characters distinct of wonderland form. It was intriguing and joyful. I began to laugh out loud, not a normal laugh, a moving laugh to the beat of the drums the guitar, and rattles. It became a symphony with all the instruments and vocals in the group. It was loud and boisterous, I felt free, free to be seen and witnessed. It started with the process of seeing others and where they showed up, with their abilities. Allowing me to become in the flow with others, engaged in being witnessed allowing me to show up, without judgment or self shame.

I remembered my ability to laugh,  which added an interesting combination to the group. We were all in the presents of each other as we mastered ourselves.  Non-ego, enjoyment! This was the second time; in this time of witnessing and being witnessed, that I felt a deep sense of joy. However this particular lesson became ingrained in my DNA. I then began to feel my heart space growing with love, a love that comes from seeing people and where they are at, and acceptance of where I was at. I was seeing the love of myself.

Oh did that night end with the best bang! The songs that began to come from my vocals was amazing, it became banter with another person, as we sang together; at and around each other like a dance. Each enunciating with each other like  drums and heart beats; thump and bump, back and forth, raising the energy in the room into this swirling motion of sound. As we began to wind down the vocals, you could feel the energy dropping into a humming of calm. Oh how I slept that night.

By being present in that moment of watching the energy in each person, witnessing them and me, how I reacted and felt how they reacted and felt. I became this witness to joyful life, as it is in creation. This amazing connection, soul pieces of me, along with the souls of others, making music with each other, allowed for joy to flow. There was no judgment, just an amazing gratitude for the sounds that had just happened.

Witnessing people is a movie worth trying out, looking at others is a reflection of those things that we perceive and how we incorporate that into our world. We usually hang in groups of people that feel easy to participate in, we can interact as they know us.

What if you looked at you from outside of you?

I am so honored that I get to continue this experience of life movie, I will be honored to witness you in all your glory, with all your intricacies, compassionately believing you can also find the love inside.

Namaste

JuliaRae

Passionate Places

Passionate Places

Like many of you life has been filled with trials and tribulations, and until the day I die it will continue. The choice in this matter is all in how we interpret it and find the passion within our lives. I have been on a great journey all my life dealing with the many ups and downs she has handed me. I feel so honored to be able to continue on this journey and be in the presents of  so many who are also part of a movement to heal themselves.

I have met some many passionate people , in my tour of life and a common thread from everyone I encounter is that they see how the earth is being destroyed and are confused about how to shift it. The earth and her resources are being turned into a commodity so that humans can have something palatable to hold on to.  Yet as I have found out in the experiment in life that things have not made me happy and the search for the ultimate mate has only taken me deeper into sadness. As I continue on the journey of life I find that I am in search of the feeling of joy and I find that I get very sad quickly and feel pain in the when I see things, people and animals being destroyed or hurt.

I asked myself “what can I do, to assist this planet into a better space?” and how can I find joy, when all I see is the destruction.

The answer came in a form of a question”what is my Passion?”

Pretty interesting question, I feel passionate, yet what is it I am passionate about. It took me some time and a sweet journey that took me and a few friends into the desert of Utah, where we were able to see just a small piece of the amazing past,and the shifting times of the planet.  We explored places that showed how amazing life has changed and yet it seems so still, when you are in the vastness of a thousands of year old dessert crevasses, eroded over time by winds and water.

We sang into the abyss of cliffs and it resonated a mirror of what we sounded like. I enjoyed listening to the echo of music played by friends, such an amazing sound and vibration.  It was like child’s play at an adult level, with the most profound feeling of Joy and Bliss.

Then I began to realize; the one thing that initiates joy in me is the presents of mother earth. How glorious she stands before me, with all her gifts.  The wonders, and sights that make you really think about our existence. The earths ability to fold and turn land into such grand structures. The history and knowledge that humans have gained from transformations, and the formations, has allowed us to grow and build our homes and structures to withstand time. We have learned so much from her, on how to survive.

It is an architecture of patterns that winds and waters carved out, eroding the earth, where ancient humans made homes in places to this day still amaze me.

There are so many experiences in my life that has connect me to the feeling of joy each had something to do with the wonder of the earth. I have stood under great waterfalls in Peru, walked into the dessert into a great oasis of clear dark waters, witnessed fish foraging for food on a great reef. I realize that is all about the abundance of witnessing what the earth is, and has to offer.

The great joy of  the experience hast inspired me to share with you the joy I was able to connect with deeply. It was all provided by the earth. A playground of sounds and sights that enhanced my mood and elevate my spirit.  I realized I was passionate about living on the earth and wanted to protect these lands.

The earth, her mountains, her seas, animals and tree’s all are engaged in living its life persevering .  Yet as humans we are looking at fracking for gas, flattening rain forests for her trees, polluting the oceans with the what we need to throw away, tearing apart the most amazing places on the planet.

If there are no places for humans to visit and see their ancestry, hear their echo, climb a mountain, walk in desert or swim in the ocean, how can we connect or find that place of joy.

I found my passion, in the desert, in the mountains and in the vastness of the planet. I want to become more engaged in her presents and assist in educating people on how we can enjoy the earth with less of a foot print. I went home with a sense that I could make a difference, working toward a my passion the health of Gaia and the life upon her.

From the animals, to plants and humans, we all need a space to be in her wonder.  The one thing that has remained the same is the stamina of the earth and her ability to provide so far. She is strong and will hold a rock upon a spire, through winds, rains and earthquakes, only when that rock is ready to fall will it come down.  Yet still the rock will be a rock the spire will be a spire and life will go on creating. My hope is that she will be able to sustain the existence of humans and there perpetuated need to self gratify through her sources, vs, find the joy through her sights and sounds.

How can we continue to maintain such wonder, when the human race is taking  unconsciously, continuing to super size everything they have, yet there seems to be more disconnect to where it is provided from.   We build to live in these large homes where we stay inside, and continue to dig out the outside.This to me is such a wild metaphor, yet so apropos’.

I am grateful that I could experience the vastness, the history and the beautiful echos in the desert and I hope to make a difference in keeping it that way. I also hope that everyone can find the joy I found in the desert, the mountains or the ocean. Keeping it beautiful for all the children, animals and plants who will inherit it after I am gone.

To be a good steward to the planet you have to be a good steward to yourself.

Are you really happy and find joy in your choices, or are they just a topical treatment for fulfilling a desire that you are in no connection with. Can you find the time for you and connection with the earth everyday? Do you see where you take to much and enjoy to little?

Joy is just under the surface of everyday living. I hope you take some time and spend it in the presents of the earth and her wonder.

My wish is for all to find the joy and their passion, with regard to how and where it comes from.