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Month: January 2018

I Witnessed You

I Witnessed You

How does it feel to know you are being watched?

As most people; I want to be seen for who I am and what I am valued for. We intensify these feelings through our interactions, how we engage in conversations, posting on Facebook to create a conversation around what we are doing and adding to the world. This knowing of how we add value in the conversation, is how we begin to view ourselves, and we see others on where they are in the world we create.

Wanting our voice to be heard and the opinions we express, is how we identify in life, and with life.

Over that last couple of months, I have taken a break from blogging, for several reasons. The biggest reason was that I was diving deep inward.   I have struggled with love in so many ways, most of all for self.  The program guide I was given, had me on a journey that I was so lost in negative misguided feelings about what love really is. I began to put up boundaries, and saw where I had huge walls. I had to get down on the ground to find my place in this world, the place in my head and most of all my heart.  I began to put boundaries around my vulnerabilities, I also had to become vulnerable. Conflicting statement, I know. There were places that I played the fool about love, and other places that I had walls up so high around it that it was impossible to get over, most of all for myself.

People were triggered by this, and tried to find ways to get around my fences, and didn’t understand that I was breaking down my walls, and keeping clear boundaries. It was conflicting and freeing, all at the same time I became aware of so many things about self, I also began to see the people around me.

I realized I was watching something amazing unfold.

I began witnessing people and where they were at, exploring what it looked like, and how they interpreted my actions. Thus I was being witnessed.

I watched as people interacted with me, I seen their expressions the common statements made and the overall feeling. There were some aggressive behaviors and overall complete shut off to any connection. This confused me; I just sat back with no reaction, just my mental note pad, taking in all the feelings, and visceral reactions.  If it felt easy or awkward, I just sent love to it, knowing there was important information, for all involved.

I had to stay out of judgment and shame, because then my ego would be the witness and it was convoluted with self beliefs already. This is where I was able to see that I was not only being witnessed, I was witnessing myself.

The more I stood as witness, the more I was able to see where people were really at in their own journey. I began to understand that we all have those places that elicit areas where we really want to be seen.

OH it just got better and better from there. I dove in deep to the meaning of past relationships, how I was affected by them and how I witnessed them. I looked at the judgments, the overall comparisons, and where I stepped into ego.

That became a really fun ride for a bit, the Ego, it wants to be witnessed.  Ego has this big ole sign on its chest that says “SEE ME!”

I  saw where I wanted to be seen, where I needed to be authenticated by others. That ride kept breaking down, it did its best to keep me lifted, yet the crash eminent, and humility crept in.

I pulled myself up off the ground many times, dusted off and kept on going. All this became a great work of learning about my boundaries and walls, where I get to build proper boundaries, and take down those dratted walls.

I became a witness of compassion, for others and myself.

I am now learning from a whole new perspective about who I can be, where I love myself and what it does for my ego.

According to Carl Jung, the ego represents the conscious mind as it comprises the thoughts, memories, and emotions a person is aware of. The ego is largely responsible for feelings of identity and continuity.

I believe that the identity becomes obsessed with the need to be seen. We use social media to enhance our ability to be seen. We look for authentification, as fuel for expanding the ego. It is like a simple sugar in the body system, its quick fuel, but burns out quickly, so we are always trying to recharge with more identity sugar.

When we are witnessed by others; it is food for the identity, we become elevated via anger or feelings of joy, yet it never seems to be ENOUGH.

When we become witnesses we get to see life from perspective of compassion. Allowing others to be seen is an empathetic way of looking at someone deeply setting up them to be free.  No judgment, or shame.

When you learn to look at how you witness others, your ego gets to take a back seat for a minute. It does not get to react, it does not get to interject, it just gets to sit and watch. Kind of like a movie, as the people who are in your life get to be fully who they are without having interjections, you are watching them for where they are.

You get to witness you, empathetically, seeing what interpretations you take away, was there judgments or shame?  Learning about where you do this in your own world of self, becomes a tool to learn from.

I am now learning about healthy boundaries and taking down my walls; being vulnerable with out the fool. It’s a work in progress, yet it’s all a great dance, in the mystery in our heads.

I will end this with a great story in witnessing, and being witnessed.

I had been participating and witnessing music from all angles, like echoes off of walls, to drum circles or the way people were deep into the sounds they were making.

One really fun and intense night of witnessing, I got to see where a version of me became aware fully of self.  I watched others form characters, in a musical that I got to participate as a character in my own designed; this creation transformed a belief inside.

The intense night started at a didgeridoo introduction, and was invited to an after party at a small trailer. I walked into a vortex of fun musical whimsy, where the wine was the only thing close to mind altering, but I went through the looking glass with Alice. The most amazing characters showed up, with musical talents beyond my dreams. With those talents were as many instruments all ready and called to be played. The group settled in and began to pick up them up, thus began the magical sounds reverberating off the small trailers walls.

I did my best to keep up, moved to try and make music; I felt that I could not match the musical abilities of everyone in the room. So I just stopped, all I could hear was them and put down my instrument.  I picked up a drum,  here and there, I had some insecurity, and felt compelled instead, to just sit back and watch.

Each person became characters distinct of wonderland form. It was intriguing and joyful. I began to laugh out loud, not a normal laugh, a moving laugh to the beat of the drums the guitar, and rattles. It became a symphony with all the instruments and vocals in the group. It was loud and boisterous, I felt free, free to be seen and witnessed. It started with the process of seeing others and where they showed up, with their abilities. Allowing me to become in the flow with others, engaged in being witnessed allowing me to show up, without judgment or self shame.

I remembered my ability to laugh,  which added an interesting combination to the group. We were all in the presents of each other as we mastered ourselves.  Non-ego, enjoyment! This was the second time; in this time of witnessing and being witnessed, that I felt a deep sense of joy. However this particular lesson became ingrained in my DNA. I then began to feel my heart space growing with love, a love that comes from seeing people and where they are at, and acceptance of where I was at. I was seeing the love of myself.

Oh did that night end with the best bang! The songs that began to come from my vocals was amazing, it became banter with another person, as we sang together; at and around each other like a dance. Each enunciating with each other like  drums and heart beats; thump and bump, back and forth, raising the energy in the room into this swirling motion of sound. As we began to wind down the vocals, you could feel the energy dropping into a humming of calm. Oh how I slept that night.

By being present in that moment of watching the energy in each person, witnessing them and me, how I reacted and felt how they reacted and felt. I became this witness to joyful life, as it is in creation. This amazing connection, soul pieces of me, along with the souls of others, making music with each other, allowed for joy to flow. There was no judgment, just an amazing gratitude for the sounds that had just happened.

Witnessing people is a movie worth trying out, looking at others is a reflection of those things that we perceive and how we incorporate that into our world. We usually hang in groups of people that feel easy to participate in, we can interact as they know us.

What if you looked at you from outside of you?

I am so honored that I get to continue this experience of life movie, I will be honored to witness you in all your glory, with all your intricacies, compassionately believing you can also find the love inside.