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Month: October 2017

Saying nothing, No more! #metoo

Saying nothing, No more! #metoo

I was raped.

I was just 14, a little lost girl in a non grounded world.  I began hanging out with a new friend, who took me to a party in the hardest part of town. There I choose to drink and was handed pills, which I swallowed, what did I know. The next thing I knew I was in a Bronco type vehicle in the front seat, being man handled and raped. One man was holding me down, while the other was having his way with me, they took turns. As I began to come around more, I saw my friend was also dealing with being attacked. At one point I began to throw up, they slapped me, finished up then tossed me and my friend out with a threat never to tell or they would do it again.  I remember smelling like the alcohol puke, felt disoriented, and terrified.  Who was in control, who was not, who was at fault and who was not?  I took the blame, because I was in no shape to say no.

Was that right or wrong?

We made our way back to my friend’s house, where she asked me to swear not to say anything. I was shocked; I was upset because I was blaming myself, yet was something I did not know if it was right to stifle. The humiliation was awful, yet the thought of not having anyone to talk to about was overwhelming. My friend’s life and mine were at risk also if we talked, yet I could not hold it in. I chose to tell a person in our Church Ward, where she said she would not tell my mom, or call the police.  I was so confused and had no guidance on what was right, was it my fault.

A year or so past, I had become very out of control for my parents, running away from home super skinny, i.e anorexic. They went to the courts to have me put away so they could get me under control.  In the court room my mom began to tell the story of my rape to the judge, and whole room heard it.  I was angry, terrified and wildly upset. She had known about the rape since it happened, and never talked to me about it, but was able to tell everyone in that room. It never talked about it to me, yet easily to others and to be used against me to get me committed somewhere. How?  I shut down even further and continued on a self destructive path.  I continued for years to feeling defeated and unable to get in touch with my anger towards my mother, the women in church, my friend, and the rapists.  Where was the counseling, where was the intention?

Many years later, after lots of striving to be better, my older brother and I were having our bonding chats, and somehow the subject of rape came up. I told him about the rape I experienced, he was very upset, he apologized, I told him it wasn’t his fault and was very passive about it. I explained that I did not let it control my life. He was shocked I about it, and wanted to help me work through it, I tossed it aside again, changed the subject to another conversation.

A couple of years have passed and I thought “The Rape” held no ground for me, until this last summer. I went to a women’s healing retreat where I was working on myself, digging deeply into my soul, where I found how much the rape impacted my world. My worth had been taken to its depths, because of the reactions and how it was handled,  from my friend, the church member, my mother, the courts, and yes the rapist, I felt no worth in the world, probably because the abuse was not important, and if anything is said its to hurtful, awful, dark, and even at some points to personal.

The rape was oppressed, pushed down, because it was not important enough of an issue.

Oppression, of sexual misconduct was and is how we have dealt with the problem of rape. Don’t say anything, it is dirty,  it’s hard, it hurts. Why, because my mother was raped, her mother was raped. It’s been going on for so many years and if we said anything, we were the bad guys, or the ones who provoked it.

The days of those things happening are becoming part of the past, the Harvey Weinstein’s are showing up everywhere. Women and men are starting to speak up, speak loudly about the innocence taken from them, the jab of the dominance into and onto their personal parts.

This conversation about rape is real, it is big and it is time for change in that reality.

I have had this deep level of connection, all my life to the earth, the recognition of the rape helped me understand why it feels so important now to stop the sexual misconducts and raping of our souls, the pillaging of our worth.  While I was in the women’s retreat, I gained the knowledge that I needed to be a better steward to myself and the planet. I now see myself and my worth, and how I can’t do that without the support of the earth. I also am facing those areas that attack my worth, sometimes come from my own gluttony from wants, areas of lack and fill it with something that gets thrown away later. Those thoughts take me to a place to look deeper at the planet and how the world just takes and we just keep quiet, just like the Rape.

I am not quiet anymore and the hashtag #metoo, is the catalyst for me to write this blog, bringing awareness in how we treat ourselves and how we externally look for joy, and find it in the places that keep the earth supplying us. Yet it is not enough, we all become a rapist, a steady stream of take take take, without acknowledging the value and discarding its worth.

The past six months have been a healing on all levels, learning to be a better person to myself.  It really resonated with me, that it is time we see the planets worth, value and stop raping her, just like the rapist and sexual predators do to the human’s souls. We are predators raping our home of all her commodities, without even thinking of how it will replenish and heal.  Taking; where we see fit, and our foot step is getting bigger and bigger. Then we just ignore it, oppress it and act like it’s not happening, just like any rape. We don’t see that she is getting tired, her breast milk is drying up and being poisoned, and her mountains carved and sucked dry. All for diamond rings, pesticides, and the best tasting beef. Who is in control who is not, who is at fault and who is not?  Who is to blame when the earth says NO! What is right or wrong?

The earth’s rape is still happening, yet perception is that is she will supply because we can take, and continue to demand that she give. When water protectors stand up, fight for her, they are deemed hippies, or radical conservationist.  They are tired, and I am tired of seeing the earth muddled, and horrifically torn apart by human consumption and seeing trash keep pilling up.

The gluttony is the same as the sexual predator trying to fulfill a need, preying on the innocent. Stealing more than is offered and I throw it away when it brings no more gratification. We have learned to use people and the earth in the same way.  Instant gratification; now I want to be happy, we just take without any intentional thought about how it impacts the soul, the earth.

The big picture is our identity is wrapped up in how we can look better to feel better.  The concern for me is that we think we have the right to obtain all the earth has. It is the equivalent to the sexual harassment, and the raping of a human soul, the right to take, without asking.  We are taught to lust after something, like a green lawn, a diamond necklace, or the biggest vehicle to haul all the oil consuming products, or sexual fulfillment, is all about the ultimate gratification. It all plays into how we feel about ourselves and it all plays into how we manipulate to get what makes us feel joy.  Do you see the dwindle of the Bee’s due to pesticides, do you know the tragedy of owning a diamond, or how much land gets destroyed because of human consumption of oil, what about the worth of a women, man child who is raped? Do you know?

Are you a rapist, how much do you dare to hashtag #imarapisttoo.

I ask you to look deeply into your soul about how it feels to have your daughter, mother, sister, brother, uncle, cousin raped. Then look deeply at how you rape the earth.  We cannot expect people to take accountability for their sexual misconduct, until we look at our own misconduct. Then we can shift reality, that what is there, isn’t always for the taking. Using what we need to supply simpler lifestyles, vs. having so much that we are constantly throwing away.

Reality is that we have grown too big, with very little thought of how much we affect the worth of the earth and her ability to support us. How can we start to give back, how can we stop the gluttony?

As the rape that happened when I was 14; was stifled and ignored; The earth has been giving for 100’s of years, without thoughtful value, taking its worth. I will not nor would not ignore the rapes of others, would you?

I can’t say that this will fix the sexual problems of humans, I believe though it is a look at our own ideology of taking without knowledge of where, how and why, it is needed. Changing those thoughts intentionally we can start to create an attitude about being more understanding, intentional, about how we live; which will initiate healthier homes and attitudes now.


Let’s  talk about it, let us create change, by showing  the world that rape will not be tolerated or acceptable to humans, or any earthly creature or body.

Now I ask will you help stand with me and say “No more will I ignore, the sexual misconduct on the earth.”

From deep within my soul.