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Month: March 2017

Blame and Shame, the stories we tell to make ourselves feel better.

Blame and Shame, the stories we tell to make ourselves feel better.

My last blog post “Mirror Mirror” brought up a few items that people did not feel comfortable to express. Identifying   where they have placed blame and shame, yet it was easy to see where someone had blamed them or shamed them.

I personally think it is a part of the world we live in, the views we express and the attitude of what is right and who is wrong, it has the connotation that there is a broken piece. What if there is no broken pieces, what if the blame and shame story is the part of us that we need to incorporate to protect ourselves from the endless idea of perfection.

Blame is the way we assign the responsibility for a problem onto the shoulders of others.

Shame a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

I know; you all know,  the interpretation and or the definition of these two words, however do we ever pay attention to the damage that is caused by them?  The damage that is first caused with others as we take the stance of blame, then to work on shaming them for the blame; is compounding pain. As a society we walk with our fingers pointed outward at others. That is when we begin to do our self a disservice, by not being aware that we all play a part in the problem process. The attitude that we are not at fault for relationships failing, or miscommunications and even just a simple lane change turned car accident, is all something we play a part in.

So why do we place blame and shame? What is the purpose of not allowing yourself to be fallible and imperfect?

Because of the shame, the shame that others place on us, about our integrity and the ability to have prevented a situation. Ever get that feeling in your gut when you have made a mistake? Have you ever felt the guilt of not being enough, and not reacting properly in situations? It feels sickly and really uncomfortable.

That is your body; talking very loudly to you saying something is wrong from within. You made a mistake and now you need to work on it.

Is that what we hear, not usually, we usually just see, everyone’s reactions and not our own. . The idea that we made a mistake gets placed at the very back of our brain, we begin to find the first person that has affected us in the situation. They, in turn may do the same, wow what a vicious cycle.

Do yourself a practice today or soon, look into your opposition of blame and shame, whether you are the antagonist or not, and listen. Listen to people and how they talk about their friends, roommates, lovers, sisters and brothers. Hear how they place blame and shame about their lifes problems on the people that surround them. See your closest relationship, look at how much you place your story on them, then look at you, look at how you feel.

Is it worth all the pointing of fingers?

By placing blame we take the lime light, off of our self and then we get to step onto the triangle of disempowerment and become the bully. If you take the time and work on where you feel threatened to be fallible, you can learn about yours self and find ways to heal those area’s that create pain behind the shame of it.

I personally have done my work in expressing where I am fallible, working on it and moving into a space where I feel okay not to be perfect. There is no room for shame, I become a creator of my next best adventure in the game of life.

How do you want to transmute the energy in your life?

Stepping away from the old stories that don’t serve us is one way.

How can I be of service to assist you to understand that?

Take advantage of an offer of a free session, and see how quick it can change your trajectory.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mirror Mirror

Mirror Mirror

I takes daily work, and its well worth it.

Deep inside I have struggled, I have struggle with my own emotions, that seem so distorted, yet at the same time I get why I am going through them.  The struggle is the growth period, I know that, yet when I and or any one is deep in the “shaken effect” after a  dramatic problem, you get lost in the emotion. I could go into the story,  what I feel like I need to control  and really lost in what I need vs. what I want to happen. In this state I can become quite dramatic, I can choose to go into the blame and shame of it.

I can, yet I choose not to.

The bigger picture of the story is just what it is, I am a human, having a human experience in this world, with many other humans having the same experience, with a totally different perception and; may I add, at a different emotional growth level.  It is freeing; it also is a new world after many years of having a marriage contract.  This world has been interesting, because the approach that I took as I left the relationship was from an interesting perspective and allowed me to step into dating world from an open book to learn from.

While the story of  why I am not in relationship any more, is very complex and I think I will write a book about that at some point; however it was a huge gift, a lesson, a new perspective was attained.  The main gist of is it, that I had to leave because I had to grow beyond what was in that environment.

Was it easy, hell no! Was it dramatic, hell no! It was the best thing I did for myself. I allowed myself to step into a space to grow more, and learn the deep patterns within myself, that kept me in a very non loving space. This is key, I started stepping into a very loving space in the dating world, and it became the class room for my next greatest adventure.

Then the adventure began, I got to see how many people stay in the story that holds them in the space of blame and shame for their ex-partners.  They find the fault in the problems of the marriage, and put it on the other person.

As I wander the dating world, these contemptible feelings are a huge red flag.  As most of these people; to me; are working on the other persons issues vs. their own.  Stories have included the details of many confused ideas on women and men’s positions of this world. They use very prejudicial words, with statements that are usually demeaning of their women counterparts.  I question; does this make it possible to love women when they are in this state? Is there any room for me to make the same mistake in their mind?

Now that I am single I get to hang out with many women, single friends, married friends, friends that have relationships and some that are on their way out of relationship. I see  so many division in all aspect of this world.  Women make statements like” men all suck,” or “they are all players,” or some kind of blame and shame story. Again not coming from a very loving space of the other, and again I see the red flags, that people are in a state of projection. Projecting what they feel they can control the drama of the story and how they feel they can “fix it”, by puking the problem on the other person.

We are all humans having a human experience from a perception, and may I add again from a different emotional level.

Delving into why we are triggered by some of our best gifts, the lessons within relationship, and may I add  I am using relationship as a broad term,(wife, sister, son,etc). We get to see how we become something with in them, we can react or look at the right relationship.

The relationship of how we see ourselves in a so called loving relationship, most of all with ourselves. If we continue to bash the other persona and blame them for the disheartening of our emotions, we become what I call a bully.

If you have ever studied or have understood the triangle of dis-empowerment, you will understand that all this does is dis-empower you from growth; stunting your ability to learn about you in the situation. You also become the victim, again dis-empowering your energy and dispersing the healing from within. Finally when you try and fix it you become the rescuer, this alone dis-empowers everyone, where no one works on their own issues. People are not broken you cannot fix them.

As long as we as humans keep having these experiences we are going to have a choice in how we handle life.  And because we are humans we will want the company of others, and we will draw in the people who will reflect what we need to learn. If we go into blame and shame, we do no one any good, more importantly we do not come from a loving space of self.   By tearing others down we tear down who we can become.

Mirror work is an amazing way to look at the world at what we need to learn. It allows for an amazing transformation. I have transformed my life, and help others transform theirs just by looking at the mirror and finding a loving space for those who have entered  into my life to teach me the hard lessons.  The teachers I have had came from many places and I am deeply grateful for them. My clients find peace with in and are able to navigate the trauma that arises in their life, with ease and grace.

Take a look at how you blame people in your life for your situation, is it serving you?

Are you getting what you want out of life, or are you just floating on survival?

This human experience is yours to drive, you do have a choice, which direction do you  want to take.

Are you experiencing issues within your relationships/ work/home/ family? These are things that can be worked with through the mirror work. It is an amazing way to deal with difficult circumstances.

Email me for free consultation and let me know how I can be of service for you.